Today we get to hear from a special counselor, Natalie Maher. Natalie has served on the BOTR team this summer! She has been an incredible light to the kids and team. Everyday, she has given her full attention to pouring into them. A couple weeks ago, we had asked some staff what they’ve been learning about God. This is what Natalie shared:
“When Am I gonna be enough?”
This is the question I heard when I was trying to figure out what to share. I spent some time writing down all the ways that God had moved so far this summer and I summarized it into one phrase, “the shape of God.” I was going to go on to explain how we as humans try to fit God into one set shape and how it’s even beyond trying to fit a circle through a square. It is more like trying to fit something that has no shape into a shape. As any good Christian does I was trying to add a verse onto the little devo. I was going to use Mark 9:24 which holds the famous line “I believe, help my unbelief.” I was then going to move into how God had done all these things this summer that made his shapelessness evident like answering thoughts that weren’t even prayers, but while reading more of Mark 9 to understand the context, verse 19 stuck out even more. It reads, “And he answered them, “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.”” This was said by Jesus to the father after the disciples could not cast the demons out of his son. Jesus then went on to cast the demons out of the man’s son. It changed the way I looked at what God has done and has been teaching this summer. It went from what an awesome and massive God we serve to why hasn’t he been enough. In all my doubts and stubbornness, God has shown up time and time again to prove himself worthy to a creation that isn’t worthy herself and each time it still never seems to be enough. Rather than seeing it as God proving his worthiness and pouring out his love, I saw it as God answering my prayers. My phrase of the “shape of God” quickly moved into a question that God has been asking me over and over again for two years “When am I going to be enough?” I have been moving through life trying to answer this question by constantly giving up control, looking for my faults and trying to be better when the reality is this will never make him enough in my mind because I am still choosing what he can be enough over. Like Aaron talked about a few weeks ago, full surrender means letting go and sinking under to then be pulled out by a merciful and loving savior. It’s not holding onto him as long as you can because you will never be able to hold on long enough. It’s letting go to be shown that God has and is holding onto you and you have done nothing but struggle against him. It’s like when your were little and didn’t know how to swim yet and your parents would hold you in the water. When you started to panic and struggle, it made it harder for your parents to keep holding on and keep you above the water. Only rather than struggling against your fleshly parents you’re struggling against a mighty God who has brought down nations with less than a word. I will never understand why God chooses to continue to prove himself to me day by day, other than his love for me which is something else that he is trying to teach me, I just struggle to listen and let him show me. Yes, God is teaching me that he’s vast this summer but it is because he is saddened by the fact that despite all he has and is doing in and through my life he is still not enough. But that sadness is driven by truth, love and compassion that is incomprehensible and not for us to understand. We must only know, trust, and believe that our God is enough with the knowledge that he doesn’t need us but he chose us and that he has nothing to prove yet he chooses to prove daily he is our provider, our protector, our everything. He is enough.